10 Years

Ten years ago today...it doesn't seem possible.  In some ways it seems like yesterday, and in others, it feels like decades.  What a horrific day!  When I think of what they went through that morning, I just have to shake my head and take a deep sigh! 

I have been dreading this landmark anniversary.  I began to write about it several times but I just had no words. I had thought about going to Missouri and visiting their graves.  However, my church has really been moving in the Holy Spirit at an accelerated level the past several weeks so there was no way I would miss church today.  Also, I was on the schedule to go to the jail this afternoon.  I certainly did not want to miss that either.

I was fine all morning, talking to people before church, just visiting.  The second song into the service was "See A Victory".  One line in the song that is based on Genesis 50:20 says, "You take what the enemy meant for evil and You turn it for good. You turn it for good."  This is repeated over and over again.  My tears started flowing.  

Sunday evening before Mom and Dad were killed early Monday morning, I taught at the jail. I talked about forgiveness and took them to Genesis 50:20 where Joseph was speaking to the brothers who had talked of killing him but instead sold him into slavery where he ended up imprisoned for 13 years through no fault of his own.  Here is what he had to say to them years later:

Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." 

When my brother, Dave, called me the next morning to tell me that Mom and Dad had been murdered, the very first thought I had was this will be a hard lesson in forgiveness.  A week later I quoted this same verse as I spoke at their funeral.  

I have stood on this verse ever since they died.  So this morning as my tears were flowing and I felt my chest heaving, I thought I was going to loose it.  I did my best not to break down totally and then the song was over.  We began singing Let It Rain.  As I stood there singing I felt God's peace and love cascade over me.  It was so powerful!  

As I was talking to my friend April after church.  She said she describes it as a soothing balm.  A major surgery left April with a huge scar.  As the scar healed and would hurt and itch so badly, she would rub in some balm to ease the pain and the itching.  That's exactly what it was like...a soothing balm.

I am so thankful to God for the gift of my Mom and Dad.  They were ordinary people with an extraordinary faith.  I am blessed to have grown up with the examples of faith that they lived out.  When they died, I asked the Lord for the mantle of healing that was on Dad.  When I talked to my brother Stephen just before the funeral, he said he had asked for a triple anointing.  When I complained that it wasn't fair that he should get so much more, Stephen responded, "Ask for 10 times the anointing.  There is no limit!"

How right Stephen is!  We serve a no limit God!  I will continue standing on the promise of God to bring good out of what was meant for evil.  I have seen good things but I am expecting so much more!

My friend, if you are going through rough times, I want you to know that I am praying the prayer of Paul over you.

Ephesians 3:16-20 (The Passion Translation)

And I pray that He would unveil within you the unlimited riches of His glory and favor until supernatural strength floods your innermost being with His divine might and explosive power.  

Then, by constantly using your faith, the life of Christ will be released deep inside you, and the resting place of His love will become the very source and root of your life.  Then you will be empowered to discover what every holy one experiences - the great magnitude of the astonishing love of Christ in all its dimensions.  How deeply intimate and far-reaching is His love! How enduring and inclusive it is! Endless love beyond measurement that transcends our understanding - this extravagant love pours into you until you are filled to overflowing with the fullness of God! 

Never doubt God's might power to work in you and accomplish all this.  He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for His miraculous power constantly energizes you.

Yes, I can testify that He can and He will outdo them all!  What a glorious God we serve!

Dream

 I had the privilege of meeting a wonderful young Ethiopian family recently. This beautiful young couple and their 2 boys have been looking for a home with me.  The first day I met them, the wife hooked her arm into mine and said, "You are my mother." To say I was thrilled is an understatement! I love this young family and we have adopted each other.

We have been looking at a home on some beautiful acreage.  This afternoon we walked the property and talked about all the pros and cons.  Their oldest son, Ethan, was having a ball just playing outside, climbing a tree, looking for rabbits in the rabbit holes, etc. 

After we had looked at absolutely everything, his mom and little brother had gotten into the car but his dad was taking one last look around the house.  As Ethan and I walked over to him, Ethan said to me, "Do you know why I like to be outside?"

"No" I answered.  "Why?" 

"Because, when I'm outside I can dream."

Wow!  What a profound statement from an incredible young boy!  Of course, this vast creation frees us to dream!  After all, it was created by the biggest dreamer ever, our heavenly Father!  

It makes me think of all the times I have sat and watched a sunset...and dreamed.

Or sat on a beach and watched the waves rolling in...and dreamed.

Of times taking in the grandeur of the mountains...and dreamed.

Staring at the chasm of the Grand Canyon...and dreamed.

Riding on the sailboat with my Dad and the dolphins swimming alongside us...and dreamed.

As a kid, wading along the beach on Guam before the tide rolled in with my family, picking up shells...and dreamed.

Sitting in the tree house my brothers and I built...and dreamed.

This Labor Day weekend is in the middle of my Dad's birthday and my parents wedding anniversary so, of course, they have been on my mind.  I am so grateful that they raised us with a huge dose of outdoor fun.  Camping trips.  Weekends at the lake. Living in the country with horses to ride and woods to explore. Traveling across the country and taking in so much of God's exquisite creation.  Crossing the Pacific by cargo ship and watching the stars at night with absolutely no "light pollution" to dim the view. Even the simple wonder of planting a seed and watching it grow. 

I want to challenge you this long weekend to put down your electronic devices, get outside and take your family with you.  Enjoy the outdoors. 

And dream.

Psalm 19:1 The Passion Translation

"God's splendor is a tale that is told; His testament is written in the stars. Space it self speaks his story every day through the marvels of the heavens. His truth is on tour in the starry vault of the sky showing his skill in creation's craftsmanship."

Colossians 1:15-17 New Living Translation

"Christ is the visible image of the invisible God.  He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation, for through him God created everything in the heavenly realms and on earth. He made the things we can see and the things we can't see-such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world. Everything was created through him and for him. He existed before anything else, and he holds all creation together."

Look Up!

Who ever thought we would be living through a pandemic?!  I have to admit, it was never on my radar.  It certainly has been a very trying time. I never have been afraid of the virus itself but I have wavered between being fearful of the future and being confident in my Lord.

When I keep my eyes on things around me, I become fearful.  What if my business doesn't come back after my state reopens? What if my local economy plummets?  What if my church can't meet again for a long time?  What if my state declares bankruptcy?  The questions don't stop!  So many "what ifs"! 

As I have been feeding my fish I've noticed that one angel fish will always look to the bottom of the tank for food as the flakes sink into the water.  The problem is there are so many other fish swimming closer to the top that they are getting the food before it makes it down to the angel fish.  I found myself thinking, "If only you would look up to the source instead of focusing on the few pieces at the bottom."  After all, the fish is an excellent swimmer.  It can certainly swim up as it often does most any other time.

One day as I was mentally screaming at this silly fish to look to look up...look to the source...I heard the Lord say, "Why don't you look up? Why don't you look to your source?"  Good question, Lord!

After all, I love Matthew 6 where Jesus talks about not worrying about the things of this world.  What if we don't have enough to eat? What if we don't have good clothes to wear?  Instead, Jesus implores us to chase after the Kingdom of God first.  When we put Him first in all we do, all these other things will be given to us.  Why wasn't I doing that?  After all, didn't I trust God as my source?

I was reminded of David as he sang in the Psalms:

Psalm 121:1-2 (The Passion Translation)

I look up to the mountains and hills, longing for God's help.  But then I realize that our true help and protection come only from the Lord, our Creator who made the heavens and the earth.

Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves that God truly is our help and protection. 

Jesus Himself gave us a wonderful example of this as He prepared to feed 5000 families with a little boy's sack lunch. 

Matthew 14:19 (The Passion Translation)

Then He had everyone sit down on the grass as He took the five loaves and two fish.  He looked up into heaven, gave thanks to God, and broke the bread into pieces.  He then gave it to His disciples, who in turn gave it to the crowds.

Take a few minutes to read through Psalm 121.  It's a short chapter that will encourage you!  If you're like me and you find yourself running all the "what ifs" through your head, just stop, look up, and give thanks to God.  He is all you need. He is your source.

Good Gifts

Last summer I was at my daughter, Sarah's home.  Her 7 year old son, Jayden had come home from playing at the neighbor's home with very muddy shoes.  He was in big trouble!  As he and I worked to clean up his shoes, I thought I should get him some rubber boots for his upcoming birthday.

Normally, this would not be a difficult thing to do. However, Jayden wears a mens size 5 shoe.  I thought I could go ahead and get a size 6 so it might fit him more that a couple of months.  As his birthday was approaching, I went to a local sporting goods mega store.  They had all kinds of rubber boots but the only ones in a mens size 6 were over $100.  Now, I love my grandson but come on. He will be lucky to wear these for six months before outgrowing them.  There was no way I was going to spend that kind of money for some rubber boots.  I found the same problem at the only other large sporting goods store in town.

No problem, I thought.  I will just order them online.  There were a few books that he wanted as well so I ordered the books and the boots in plenty of time for them to arrive via Amazon.  I am not an Amazon Prime member so there was no next day delivery.  I had plenty of time and even though it said delivery in 8-10 days, orders always came in much sooner than predicted.  Even if it took the entire time it would not be a problem to have them before I would be making the 90 mile drive for his birthday party.  No worries.  One click of the button and my order was off.

I waited and checked on the order.  Within a day or two, one book shipped.  Finally another book shipped.  The boots had not shipped yet.  The weekend came.  Nothing else shipped.  Monday was Labor Day.  Tuesday the last book shipped.  His birthday was Saturday.  I was speaking at a women's conference Saturday morning and then driving straight from there to their home for the party that would already be in progress.  I had to have it by Friday night in order to take it with me on Saturday.

I was praying, "Lord, let it come in time!"  "Lord, let it ship today!"  Every day I was praying and it was not shipping!  Why had I not had it shipped to their house?  Why had it not shipped yet?  I was agonizing over rubber boots!  I did not want to go with just the books, even though he had told me exactly which ones he wanted.  Let's face it, when you are turning 8 years old, books are just not that exciting!

Finally on Wednesday when I checked the progress of the order it showed that the boots had shipped but it did not show an expected arrival date.  Why not?  It always gave you an expected arrival date!  On Thursday, the last book that had shipped on Tuesday was supposed to arrive.  It did not.  When I checked on the boots, it just said they had left the originating facility.

Now I was really stressed about this!  I did not want Jayden to think I had not planned ahead for his birthday or that I had not thought about him.  I had put a lot of thought into these crazy rubber boots but they still weren't here!  I kept praying they would make it in time.

On Friday morning, the tracking said it had arrived in Springfield and been sent to USPS for delivery.  That is what the book had said the day before but it still had not shown up.  Would the boots make it?

I got home from work about 9:00 Friday night.  The boots and the last book were there!  I got his gift wrapped and ready for the party the next day.  Big relief!  As I prayed and thanked God, He said to me, "Do you think you love Jayden more than I do?"  No, of course I don't!  As much as I love all my kids and grand kids, it could never come close to the love that God has for them!

Then God said to me, "Do you think I love you less than I love Jayden?"  I knew the answer was another no.  In my mind, I know God loves me but I struggle thinking that God has good gifts for me.  That He will take care of me and provide for me is hard for me to accept.  I don't feel worthy of His love and provision.  Then He brought this Scripture to mind:

Matthew 7:11 (New Living Translation)

"So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

What a comfort to know that we have a heavenly Father who loves us more than we could ever fathom!  He will give good gifts to us.  We only have to ask Him!

1 John 3:1 (The Passion Translation)

"Look with wonder at the depth of the Father's marvelous love that He has lavished on us! He has called us and made us His very own beloved children.  The reason the world doesn't recognize who we are is that they didn't recognize Him."

My prayer for you is that you do recognize Him and know how great is His love for you!

Oh, and the boots?  Jayden patiently waited for everyone to leave, slipped on his boots and ran down the street to his friends house to play in the muddy creek out back.

Jess

I am not sure where I should start in telling you about Jess.  She is an amazing young lady that I met through my part time job at the hospital.  She is spunky, smart, and full of life. I absolutely adore her!  Even though she no longer works at the hospital, we have stayed in touch.

A couple of months ago she had a seizure.  It happened in the middle of the night while she was sleeping.  Her mom found her.  It was the beginning of a scary journey for Jess.  The doctors ordered an MRI.  Right after the MRI was done, I found out what was going on.  God told me I needed to pray over her.

I picked her up and we went to my dear friend, Marline's home.  (Marline knew her from the hospital, too).  I put some praise music on, read some Scriptures and we started praying.  I anointed Jess with oil and kept praying.  Marline, full of the Holy Spirit, burst out into song.  I've known Marline for over 30 years and have never heard her do that before.  She told me later, it was a first for her!

As we prayed, I just knew Jess had been healed.  I dropped her off at the doctors appointment where she would get the results of the MRI that had already been done.  I told her to take what the doctors said with a grain of salt because that MRI had been done before we prayed.

The doctors told her that she had brain tumors.  It was the beginning of Multiple Sclerosis.  The tumor at the front of her brain was causing pressure and they might need to operate.  They needed to do another, more detailed MRI.

I kept hoping and praying that her healing was already complete.  I had the thought several times, what if she is not healed? Then I became afraid that she would not be healed because I had concerns and doubts.  God quickly squelched that for me.  He clearly said that He asks us to partner with Him in prayer and to believe but when our faith waivers all we need to do is ask Him to help us in our unbelief.  He was not waiting for me to mess up and cancel the healing!  I had been obedient in praying for her as He had told me. I quickly said, "Lord, help my unbelief!"

Jess had the next MRI done.  A few days later she went for the results.  The doctors had no idea what had happened.  The tumors were no longer being referred to as tumors. They said they were lesions.  Her doctors could not explain it but the lesions were shrinking!

The pictures speak for themselves.  The one on the left was before.  The right is after.  The white spots were the tumors. 

Praise God!  He still heals today! I just know that if they do another MRI, there will be no lesions at all.  Jess was healed because of what Jesus did at the cross.  He defeated death and when we believe we too, have that same power!  We just have to declare it!

My pastor, Pastor Mac Dalton, preached a wonderful sermon on that this past Sunday (September 22nd).  As we walk in His power, we are spreading His Good News! You can hear the sermon here:

https://vimeo.com/radiantspringfield

We are His church! We are the Church Triumphant!    It is up to us to declare what He has promised.  We cannot ever think that miracles happen because of us.  It is all Jesus! But miracles do happen when we respond in obedience to God's voice and partner with Him.  When God nudges you to speak up, speak! When He nudges you to pray for someone, pray!  Even if it feels awkward, just do it.  You will be glad you did! And the Jess's of this world will be glad, too!

My prayer for you is that reading this will increase your faith.  We can all be water walkers!  The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in you!  I reiterate the Apostle Paul's prayer:

Ephesians 1: 19-20 (The Passion Translation)

I pray that you will continually experience the immeasurable greatness of God's power made available to you through faith.  Then your lives will be an advertisement of this immense power as it works through you! This is the mighty power that was released when God raised Christ from the dead and exalted him to the place of highest honor and supreme authority in the heavenly realm!

Please say a prayer for Jess and her complete healing then go out and be a walking billboard for the power of God!  There are many other Jess' out there who need you!

13

My husband, Chris Fedor, was born on Friday, July 13, 1954.  He always maintained that 13 was his lucky number.  If the 13th fell on a Friday, he knew that would be a good day for him.

His death occurred 13 years ago today on March 13th, 2006.  It was a Monday. I have often had the thought that it was not a lucky day for him but now that I have had 13 years to think about it, I realize it was a good day for him.  It was the day he was finally free from his pain.

His childhood had been extremely traumatic.  I had no idea how bad it was until after we had been married for over 20 years when he finally told me some of the things that had happened to him as a little boy.  I was in shock.  I had no idea how bad it had been.

Most people who knew Chris thought he was mean and tough.  That was his exterior.  It was his protection.  Inside was a little boy who was hurting.  His death was ruled a suicide because he had written many suicide notes over the years.  I think when he took all those pills that night, he just wanted to be free from the pain he felt.  Trust me I am not condoning suicide.  It IS NOT the answer!  If you have experienced trauma and don't know where to turn, GET HELP! Know that you are NOT ALONE!

I urge you, if you are feeling suicidal, reach out! The National Suicide Hotline -  Call 1-800-273-8255

Lately, I have felt the presence of Chris in ways I have not felt it before.  I especially feel it when I'm praying for Danielle Loftus. (If you don't know about Danielle, please visit www.prayforDanielle.com and add her to your prayer list!)  She, too, was born on the 13th.  Is there a bond between them because of that?  Is it because she suffered traumatically as a young girl?  Her trauma was a physical brain injury.  Chris suffered an emotional brain injury.  His trauma was not evident to the world as Danielle's is.  He could still walk, talk, and function.  But he was broken nonetheless. He was a very meticulous and gifted mechanic.  There was nothing that he could not fix except himself.

I do not wish to share his trauma as it is very personal.  I don't think he would want people to know the specifics and, obviously, I can't ask for his permission.  Just know that when you encounter someone you feel is harsh or mean, you need to say a prayer for them.  You have no idea what they may be carrying around inside.

No matter what you've been through, there are others who have survived and even thrived after having suffered in a similar way!  God has a plan and a purpose for your life.  He will use your trauma to help others!

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (The Passion Translation)

All praises belong to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  For he is the Father of tender mercy and the God of endless comfort.  He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial.  We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us.

In my ministry at the jail, I see many who have suffered as children at the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect them.  It has such a negative affect on their lives but when they turn those troubles over to God, He will take them and turn them into a positive!

Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

Let God take the evil that others used to harm you and turn it around for good!

Provision

This blog has been very hard for me to write.  It's embarrassing and humiliating.  But my son has encouraged me to write it because it certainly is a wonderful testimony of God's faithfulness! 

The past 11 months have been the hardest months I have ever endured in my life.  The loss has been immense.  My grief has surpassed anything I could ever have imagined.  In the midst of all I've been going through, I have struggled with work.  This is not a good thing when you're self-employed.  The expenses keep coming whether I'm producing or not.  The long, cold winter did not help in real estate at all either.  I have struggled financially the past few months.  I am behind on my mortgage and the pressure I feel is real.

Last week, I had a payment that I had forgotten about hit my checking account.  That payment put me at -$9.63 in my checking account.  I had $1 in cash.  That's pretty sad.  I was not sure what to do.  I knew I could call quite a few people and ask for $10 to put into my account to avoid overdraft charges but what did God want me to do? I started praying.

God clearly told me to call a young woman I had gotten to know through my Bible study at the jail.  I'm so proud of her.  She's been clean and sober for just over 7 months now.  She's really working hard to keep her life on track.  I said, "Lord, I can't ask her.  She's working so hard to get fines paid, get her license back, etc."  God answered with, "Ask her for the $10 but she will give you $50."  I argued with the Lord again.  I just couldn't stand the thought that she would give me $50!  But God said, "If you don't ask her you will rob her of a blessing."

I called her up and explained what had happened.  Without any delay, she said, "I'll just give you $50. You have done so much for me over the years.  It's the least I can do!"  I told her what God had told me.  As we both cried, I said, "Do you realize you did not hesitate one iota?  You are hearing so clearly and quickly from God! I'm so proud of you! I know God will bless you for helping me!"

A couple of hours later, I had a call from a young man from Sri Lanka that I have helped some over the years as well.  We have adopted each other.  He calls me Mama.  He was calling to tell me he was giving me $100. God had spoken to him about helping me.  Whew, now I had a bit of cushion in my account.

Late that afternoon, I was driving to look at some homes, singing and praising the Lord as I drove when one of my sensor lights came on.  Noooo....this can't be!  I immediately began praying for my van, for guidance and wisdom.  I called my auto repair place - Ruggless Auto here in Springfield.  They are such a blessing to me.  From what I told Marcy, she thought it was my alternator.  I knew if it was, it would not be cheap.  We made plans for me to drop the van off the next morning.

All night I prayed that it was just a fluke and would turn out to be nothing.  I dropped off the van and they gave me a ride to my Bible Study Fellowship leader's meeting.  While there, Marcy texted me and said it was the alternator. Since I also needed an oil change, it would be close to $500. 

My bubble was burst.  Now what?  I got a ride from one of the ladies to pick up the van.  Of course, Ruggless is so good to me that they let me drive off without paying.  They trusted me to pay when I could.  Having just learned the lesson about praising no matter what (see my last blog post entitled "Worship"), I cranked up some praise music and began thanking and praising God for Ruggless.  Who will fix your car and let you just drive away without giving them a dime?  I knew that somehow, someway, God would provide.  

The next day was Bible Study Fellowship class day.  After class, one of the other leaders came up to me and gave me a beautiful envelope.  She said last weekend God had told her she needed to give me some money.  She apologized that she did not bring it to leader's meeting the day before. She said she did not want me to use her name if I told anyone about this and she never wanted us to talk about it again.  She said the amount God told her to give me was $500.  Really?  $500? And God told her that the weekend before?  Only God!

I drove over to Ruggless, showed Marcy the envelope and pulled out the cash.  Marcy's jaw dropped.  I told her what had happened.  "Who does that?" she said.  I answered, "That's my God!"

Isaiah 65:24 (The Passion Translation)

"Before they even call out to me, I will answer them, before they've finished telling me what they need, I'll have already heard."

Isn't that just like God?  Before I had prayed, God already had His answer on the way.  I wonder if things would have gone differently if I had not had an attitude of praise.  Thankfully, I did not have to find that out!  Thank you, Lord, for teaching me and then reminding me of what you have taught me!

John 14:26 (The Passion Translation)

"But when the Father sends the Spirit of Holiness, the One like me who sets you free, he will teach you all things in my name. And he will inspire you to remember every word that I've told you."

Thank you, Father, that you provide all I need, both material and spiritual!  You are a good, good Father!  I desire to be in Your perfect will for me!

Psalms 37:4 (The Passion Translation)

Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life, and he will provide for you what you desire the most.

Worship With All Your Might

I have been in a very rough season.  The past 9 months have been some of the most difficult of my life.  I have been in deep despair and depression over circumstances completely out of my control.  In the midst of this God has been teaching me about praise and worship.

I have thought a lot about Paul and Silas in Acts 16.  They had delivered a slave girl from a demon spirit and her owners were hopping mad.  They seized Paul and Silas and drug them off to face the authorities.  The Roman officials ordered Paul and Silas to be stripped and beaten with rods on their bare backs.  After they had been severely beaten, they were thrown into prison and their hands and feet were bound with chains.

If that had been me, I would definitely be wallowing in self pity!  I would be crying out to God saying, "Hey, I was working for You and this happened to me!  What gives?  Why did you abandon me?"  Thankfully, it wasn't me in that situation.  What did Paul and Silas do?  Let's pick it up in Scripture.

Acts 16:25 (The Passion Translation)

Paul and Silas, undaunted, prayed in the middle of the night and sang songs of praise to God, while all the other prisoners listened to their worship.

Remember, they had been beaten with rods on their bare backs.  They didn't get to phone a friend. No one attended to their wounds. They were in the innermost part of the prison.  Most likely in pitch black darkness.  Chains on their wrists and ankles.  UNDAUNTED, they prayed and worshiped the Lord!  In the most dire of circumstances, they praised God.  They didn't complain or hold a pity party.  They praised.

As I have cried out to the Lord in the past months, I have heard repeatedly from Him, "Just praise Me."  It has not been easy, but when I have followed in obedience, it has blessed me!

This past week, the Bible Study Fellowship lesson has been on chapters 5 and 6 of 2 Samuel. It's a passage I've read many times before and heard many sermons on but this week one little part really stood out to me.  In chapter 5, David had attempted to move the Ark of the Lord but it did not go well.  In chapter 6, he tried again but this time, he did it all according to Scripture and with much praise and worship.

2 Samuel 6:14a (New Living Translation)

And David danced before the LORD with all his might...

David danced with all his might! There was a choir, rams' horns blowing, shouts of joy, and dancing.  It was a wonderful celebration! There was just one problem.

David's wife, Michal, was disgusted with her husband, King David.  She did not join in the celebration and as she watched from her window she couldn't believe that a king would lower himself like a common person dancing in the streets.

The Scripture tells us that after David blessed the people and sent them home with gifts, he went home to bless his family but Michal went out to meet him raving at him for what he had done. David replied that he was celebrating before the LORD who had appointed him to be king.  He gave God all the credit for his position and he went on to say that he would be willing to look even more foolish, even to be humiliated in his own eyes as he worshiped. David had learned to rely on God.  The LORD was everything to him.

Michal never knew David was coming to bless her even though she did not join him in worshiping.  Because she was so worried about what people would think, she did not worship and worse, she missed being blessed by her husband.

I pray that the Lord would give me a heart like David. Oh Lord, help me to worship You with abandon with no thoughts as to what others might think of me!  No matter my circumstances, may I always worship You, for You alone are worthy of all my praise!

Psalm 89:15 (The Passion Translation)

O LORD, how blessed are the people who experience the shout of worship, for they walk in the radiance of Your presence.

And what happened to Paul and Silas?

Acts 16:20 (The Passion Translation)

Suddenly, a great earthquake shook the foundations of the prison.  All at once every prison door flung open and the chains of all the prisoners came loose.

Not only were Paul and Silas blessed, but all the prisoners were freed as well!

Do you need a blessing?  Then worship.  Worship with all your might!

Seed

The Lord blessed me to go to Colorado this summer to visit my son, Michael.  While I was there we went to Estes Park and took a tram to 8700 feet up.  As Mike and I took in the beautiful panoramic views from this elevation, I turned and noticed this tree growing up through a huge boulder.  I can't get it out of my mind. 

Imagine the seed stuck in the handful of dirt in the crevice of these boulders and then miraculously growth began.  As it emerges - just a little seedling, mind you - it put the tiniest bit of pressure on the boulder.  Amazingly, a hairline crack slowly began to appear.  Over time the seedling grew and the gentle but unceasing pressure began to cause the boulder to crack just a little bit more until this huge rock finally caved in to the pressure of the tender, young tree and it split. 

Wow!  It split!  This huge rock just split!  It not only split in one direction but it split in several directions!  That was one powerful seed!  How can this be? It is the God-given miraculous power of a seed.

Jesus said if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we can do great things.  It is true. Peter proved that when he walked on water.

Matthew 14:29-31 The Passion Translation

"Come and join me," Jesus replied.

So Peter stepped out onto the water and began to walk toward Jesus.  But when he realized how high the waves were, he became frightened and started to sink.  "Save me, Lord!" he cried out.

Jesus immediately stretched out his hand and lifted him up and said, "What little faith you have! Why would you let doubt win?"

Wow! With only a little faith Peter walked on water!  What if we plant seeds?  Just think of all the great things that will come as those seeds grow and mature! 

Today is Dad's birthday.  I think of all the seeds he planted over his lifetime.  Those seeds are cracking things up for the Kingdom! 

What about you?  Do you think that you cannot have an impact for the Kingdom of God on this earth?  Have you ever shared a Scripture? Helped out at a Vacation Bible School or backyard Bible club? Taught a Sunday School class?  Have you ever encouraged someone who was down? Then you have planted seeds! 


Matthew 13:31-32 The Passion Translation

Heaven's kingdom realm can be compared to the tiny mustard seed that a man takes and plants in his field. Although the smallest of all the seeds, it eventually grows into the greatest of garden plants, becoming a tree for birds to come and build their nests in its branches.  ~Jesus

The enemy likes to plant hesitancy and disbelief in our minds. Do not let doubt win!  Go plant some seeds and see what God will do!

Nina

I had the great honor and pleasure to sit and talk with an extraordinary young woman named Nina (pronounced with a long "i" - nine-na).  Nina had used precious vacation time to attend every single day of Mom and Dad's trial.  At least one of her parents attended all of the hearings leading up to the trial and Nina had attended hearings when she could.

I spoke with her briefly during the trial but did not have an opportunity for a longer conversation.  You see, she had been married to Jose, the man convicted of killing Mom and Dad.  She had two precious children with him.  And she was deathly afraid of him.  He had become abusive toward her even while she was still pregnant.  But it was not until he threatened the life of their young son that she knew she had to leave him.  She said she could take the beatings he had for her but she could never stand for him to be abusive to their children.

I had felt for many months that I needed to sit and talk to her face to face.  I knew God was placing this on my heart.  I thought it was because I needed to know more about Jose.  The only problem was she lived in Springfield, MO and I was in Springfield, IL.  A long five hour drive separated us.  I could not seem to find time to make the trip and so finally decided to just set time aside and come.

I contacted Nina and she was very open to meeting with me.  She said, "Name the time and the place and I will be there." Wow!  She is a single mom of two children who works nights.  Her response was amazing to me!  We decided to meet at a Starbucks and although I arrived a few minutes early, she was already there.

She was very open and honest with me.  She did not balk at any of my questions.  As we talked I realized I did not need to know more about Jose.  I needed to know more about Nina.  Although I did learn a lot of things about Jose that I had wondered about, I learned much more about Nina and what an extraordinary young woman and mother she was.

Even though she never had the pleasure of meeting Mom and Dad, she was forever affected by their deaths.  Through tears, she told me she somehow felt responsible for their deaths.  If only she had been able to help Jose...  If only...  I have had a lot of "if only" thoughts, too.  I had to share a bit of my story with Nina and I hope it helps her to know that we are only responsible for ourselves.  It was not Nina's job to help Jose.  She could not fix him.  She did what she had to do to protect her children.  That was enough.

Nina was contacted by reporters throughout the whole ordeal after Jose was arrested for Mom and Dad's murders.  She refused to speak with them saying it was not her story to tell, it was our story.  But our stories intersect.  Yes, her story is different from mine but it touches mine.  She does have a story to tell.

I know she is struggling with life and facing many problems as a single mother doing her best to provide for their needs.  She is diving head long into all her issues and handling them in the best way she can.  She deeply loves her children and will do anything for them.  I encourage her to tell her story because her story will help someone else just as my story helps others. 

And the same is true of your story!

This, after all, is what Paul was talking about in his second letter to the Corinthians.

2 Corinthians 1:4 (The Passion Translation)

He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial.  We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us.

We can all know that our suffering has a purpose!  Does that not thrill your soul?  We all have suffering but what will you do with yours?  Will you try to hide it?  Will you wallow in self-pity?  Or will you give it to God and allow him to use it for His glory?  To help someone else who is suffering in the same way that you have suffered? 

Will you have the courage to tell your story?

I just have to end with the Scripture that has been on my heart since my brother, Dave called to tell me Mom and Dad had been murdered seven years ago.

Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.  He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

Satan thought he had the last laugh when Mom and Dad lie dead on the floor of their own home but, no, God had an even greater purpose!!  God is using it all for good!  He is saving the lives of many people.

If you remember from earlier posts, Mom's last word to me was simply this:

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, indeed, Mom!!

Anniversary

I am in Missouri visiting my brother, Dave.  While here, I wanted to visit Mom & Dad's grave site since I will be leaving on the 24th.  April 25th is the 7th anniversary of their deaths. 

It was pouring down rain all morning - since at least 5 a.m. when I first heard it raining.  It reminded me of the week of their deaths.  It was raining so hard on April 25th, 2011 that police dogs could not get a scent.  The day of the funeral a week later it was still raining.  On Easter Sunday, April 24th, 2011, I tried to get Mom and Dad to wait until Monday to drive home but Dad wanted to get home before the predicted rains began.

After Dave, Susie and I went to church and then brunch at Mama Jeans, I went out to the cemetery to put some flowers on their graves...in the pouring rain.  First I ran into Price Cutters to get some flowers.  As I was picking out some flowers the thought struck me that Mom would have preferred that I would get flowers for her sister and best friend, my Aunt Sis rather than putting flowers at the grave site.  I made a mental note to be sure and order some flowers for Aunt Sis for Mother's Day but proceeded to purchase the flowers that I thought both Mom and Dad would like.  At the checkout the clerk said, "What pretty flowers on such a dreary day.  Is it a special occasion?"  I responded, "Yes it is," without any further explanation.

I drove to the veteran's cemetery on the south side of town as the rain continued to pelt the earth but as soon as I pulled up to section K, the rain stopped.  I got out and went to the grave, arranged the flowers and took pictures, as I do every time I take flowers there.  I cried a few tears even though I know they are in a much better place but I just miss them so much.  After a bit I made my way back to the car and pulled off.  Then it began raining again.  It rained the rest of the day.

I know God stopped the rain for me today.  It's not a big deal...I would have still done what I did had it continued to rain...but He did that for me.  That's the kind of God I serve.  One who cares about the smallest details.  That is just how He loves us.

1 John 4:16 (a) The Passion Translation

We have come into an intimate experience with God's love, and we trust in the love he has for us.  God is love!

I know I can trust Him and His love for me.  The rain stopping was a little thing but it spoke volumes to me today.  But I can only love Him because He first loved me!

1 John 4:19 English Standard Version

We love because He first loved us.  

Thank you, Lord, for loving me while I was yet a sinner!  Thank you for showing your love for me each and every day!  Help me to show Your love to others in the same way.

Another Easter

Even though it was not on the anniversary of Mom and Dad's death again this year, Easter is still a hard time for me.  Easter was the last time I saw Mom & Dad, spent time with them, worshipped with them, prayed with them, and talked to them.  It was a wonderful visit and I am so grateful I had those days with them just before they left their earthly bodies but it has left every Easter since then bittersweet for me.

Even though their deaths weigh more heavily on me during the month of April the truth is, I miss them everyday and I suppose I always will.  This year marks 7 years since their passing.  I know they are in a much better place but I am not.  I look forward to the day I will see them again.  What joy that knowledge brings to me!

Ironically, it is because of Easter that I know that day is coming.  So I strive to focus on that fact and rejoice that my Savior lives.  Yes, Jesus died a cruel death after being tortured and ridiculed.  He bore all my sins and yours, too.  He was separated from His Father for the first time ever.  He lay in the grave physically dead seemingly and defeated.  But then came Sunday...

One of my favorite "Easter" hymns growing up was Christ Arose.  I love how after talking about "low in the grave He lay..." the music builds and then comes "Up from the grave He arose, with a mighty triumph o'er His foes, He arose a Victor from the dark domain, And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.  He arose! He arose! Hallelujah! Christ arose!"

By the end the music is at a crescendo.  It always gives me goose bumps to consider Jesus' victory over death!

My ladies Bible study group just began a new study called, Goliath Must Fall by Louis Giglio.  Tonight we considered that truly satan is dead.  Jesus defeated him and we know how it ends, with satan's eternal death.  We do not need to fear him or his demons...ever!  Jesus gave us all authority over him.  It IS finished!

Romans 8:38-29 (The Passion Translation)

So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God's love.  I'm convinced that his love will triumph over death, life's troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens.  There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love.  There is no power above us or beneath us - no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God's passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One! 

Hallelujah!  Christ arose!

Suffering

A question I have often considered, especially since my parents were murdered is if God is in control, then why do Christians suffer? Of course, we bring some suffering on ourselves by our own actions. Some is due to the fact that we live in a broken, fallen world where Satan temporarily reigns. But couldn’t God just keep some suffering from us? Yes, I know that God could do that but He also knows that we grow through suffering. I have read quite a few biographies of successful people. Every single one of them say they became successful because of their difficulties. It was through problems, hardships, and failures that they learned and grew. God knows how we are wired and what we need in order to grow!

Consider this Scripture passage:

2 Corinthians 1:3-6 (TPT) All praises belong to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he is the Father of tender mercy and the God of excellent comfort. He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial. We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us. And just as we experience the abundance of Christ’s own sufferings, even more of God’s comfort will cascade upon us through our union with Christ. If troubles weigh us down, that just means that we will receive even more comfort to pass on to you for your deliverance! For the comfort pouring into us empowers us to bring comfort to you. And with this comfort upholding you, you can endure victoriously the same suffering that we experience.

Besides our own growth, our suffering will help others! I can’t tell you the number of times God has put someone in my path who has experienced great loss. By sharing about my Mom and Dad or what I went through with my husband and his suicide, they are greatly encouraged! In many ways, it minimizes my loss and definitely encourages me as well as them! It’s quite amazing! And we don’t go through it alone!

Isaiah 41:13 (NLT) For I hold you by your right hand— I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you. 

God is always right here. Already aware of all that we need. But He does want us to come to Him; to bring our burdens to Him. He doesn’t want us to even begin to try and carry them alone!

Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)  You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

I've had the honor of praying with a young lady who, because of a traumatic brain injury, has been unable to walk or talk for more than 8 years. Since the age of 13 she has been in this helpless state. I have frequently contemplated how she and her family have suffered. When I was praying with her a few weeks ago, I read this passage to her:

Romans 8:17 TPT And since we are his true children, we qualify to share all his treasures for indeed, we are heirs of God Himself. And since we are joined to Christ, we must also inherit all that he is and all that he has. We will experience being co-glorified with him provided that we accept his suffering as our own.

I am still trying to unpack everything God is telling us through this verse. As I continued to read Scripture to her that day, every verse I kept seeing had to do with being still before the Lord. I knew I had to shut up and just be still. I had some praise music playing and I invited God into our midst and sat silently before Him. I was in awe as His perfect peace invaded the entire room! In the midst of her suffering, there was great peace! Only in our suffering can we experience this peace. It seems to be the only thing that slows us down enough to make us sit at His feet and meditate on who He is!

Psalm 112:7 (TPT) They will not live in fear or dread of what may come, for their hearts are firm, ever secure in their faith.

No matter what comes our way, we can count on God to see us through! Jesus came to earth knowing how much He would suffer. He did not have to leave His throne on glory for us but He did because of His great love for us! As Jesus died for us, we must also die to ourselves. When we accept Him as Lord, we become a NEW creation!

This summer some of my grandchildren and I were watching some caterpillars in the herb garden. We’ve watched as some of them began weaving cocoons. In this cocoon, they appear to die. The good news is they do not die. Of course, it is the necessary process in order for them to achieve their destiny.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NASB) Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

We ARE made new in Christ! It is glorious! We just have to grab hold of it, surrender to it, then spread our wings! God will do the rest.

I have long favored the words of Habakkuk 3:17-18 but I want to share what was happening when he penned those words. In chapter 1 he was complaining to God about what the Israelites were facing. The Babylonians were coming and it was not pretty! Here is God’s reply to Habakkuk:

Habakkuk 1: 5-7 MSG “Look around at the godless nations. Look long and hard. Brace yourself for a shock. Something’s about to take place and you’re going to find it hard to believe. I’m about to raise up Babylonians to punish you, Babylonians, fierce and ferocious—World-conquering Babylon, grabbing up nations right and left, A dreadful and terrible people, making up its own rules as it goes."

Sound familiar? So much like the terrorism we see in the world today! Yet just 2 short chapters later, knowing these ferocious people were coming and God was going to allow them to take over Israel, Habakkuk was still able to state this:

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NLT) Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

Hallelujah! He stated, “I WILL rejoice…I WILL be joyful!” It was a conscious decision he made to be joyful. He is faithful and we can always depend on Him – no matter what life brings our way.

2 Timothy 2:11-13 (TPT) You can trust these words: if we were joined with Him in death, then we are joined with him in his life! If we are joined with him in his sufferings, then we will reign together with him in his triumph. But if we disregard him, then he will disregard us. But even if we are faithless, he will still be full of faith, for he NEVER waivers in his faithfulness to us!

Grief is a funny thing...

Lately, I've had several people who wanted to talk to me about grief.  Grief is such a funny thing.  You just never know when it will hit.  It's been 6 years since my parents were murdered.  Yet it will still hit out of nowhere.  Just when I think my life is back to normal and the grief is over, it comes washing over me in waves.  I've learned that, for me at least, it is best that I just let it come.  Trying to stop it is as fruitless as trying to curtail a tsunami. However, sometimes I can erect a temporary dam in order to postpone it to a more private place and time to grieve.  

Last week I attended the General Baptist Summit in Evansville, IN.  So many memories, all of them good, flooded my mind and my conversations with many old friends.  Not just my friends but friends of Mom and Dad as well.  I love going and reconnecting.  

Howell General Baptist Church, the very first General Baptist church, had a dinner at the church one evening during the convention.  I went and also took a tour of the historical church building.  It was beautiful!  The church had prepared a booklet telling about the church and it's history.  As I tucked the booklet away the thought hit my mind that I could not wait to share it with Mom.  Almost as soon as the thought entered my mind the realization that I would never share another thing with her here on this earth hit me, and it hit hard.  I was able to reign the cascading thoughts in and push them away from my mind with all the activity and things going on at that moment. But I did wonder how I could have had the thought of sharing with Mom in the first place.  After all, almost everyone I had talked to just that day mentioned how much they missed them.  I knew full well both of them were gone.  How could this thought have leaked into my mind?  I have to admit, it is not the first time something like this has happened to me. When will these thoughts stop?

After I came home  and was unpacking, I came across the booklet again.  I was powerless to stop the flood of grief that filled my soul.  I did not fight it.  What good would it do?  Allowing myself to mourn all over again was better (and I might add, easier!) than trying to convince myself that it was silly to be in such anguish so long after they had died.  I expect that this will happen even 20 years from now.

I have not studied grief like my cousin, Deborah Braboy who has a doctorate degree in psychiatry with an empasis on grief counseling but I am learning from my experiences.  If you were to ask me about how long it will take or how to control your emotions as you deal with the loss of someone you love, I can only say it will take as long as it takes and just allow yourself to feel the loss when it strikes you.  Cry when you must, ache for them when you feel the emptiness, and know that every time you do that, you are respecting their memory, their very lives.  It is okay.  You will survive.  You will always miss them.  Some days will be easier than others.

Now, mind you, I do not wallow in despair and depression crying every day.  That would not honor Mom and Dad.  They would want me to live my life to the full and enjoy my family, my work, and my ministry.  After all, the joy of the Lord is my strength!  If your life is put on hold or you are living in depression every day as you deal with grief, then by all means, get help!  Go to a godly counselor!  Living stuck in grief dishonors the very life you lament.

The beauty in my parents case is that I know I will see them again!  "Hallelujah!" was the last communication I had from Mom through a text.  Hallelujah, indeed!  I look foward to the day I see them again but in the meantime, my life goes on.  God still has a work for me to do here on earth.  As my Dad would say, if you're still breathing, then God still has good things for you to do!  

Consider these Scriptures:

Ephesians 2:10 (NLT) For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.

Ecclesiastes 3: 10-11 (NLT) I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.  Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

I do not know the outcome.  Why Mom and Dad were murdered.  Why bad things happen to good people.  But I do know that I trust God.  Even here in this fallen, broken world, I know that God has a plan and He is in control.  Take comfort in that fact.  

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 (NLT)  

For everything there is a season, 

a time for every activity under heaven.  

A time to be born and a time to die.  

A time to plant and a time to harvest.  

A time to kill and a time to heal.  

A time to tear down and a time to build up. 

A time to cry and a time to laugh.  

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

Father, I pray for all who are reading this post.  Bring comfort to their souls.  If they do not have a relationship with You, I pray You will reveal Yourself to them. Oh, that they would surrender thier life to You.  Teach them to live without fear.  Bring them to a place of sweet trust in You and who they are in You.  In Jesus' name, I pray, Amen.

Yes, cry if you must but then wipe away your tears and dance.

Detective Jamin Sackman

Six years ago today...a day that changed many lives forever.

Six years ago today Jose came into my parents home and before he left he had stabbed them both to death.  Now he sits in prison.

Six years ago today my parents were brutally murdered.  My brothers, their grandchildren, their great-grandchildren and I will not see them or speak to them again in this life.

Six years ago today my aunts and uncles lost a special brother and sister. Long conversations, visits and times of prayer will not happen for them again until they get to heaven.

Six years ago today neighbors and friends of my Mom and Dad in Springfield, MO were left in fear and bewilderment. Who could have commited this crime? Will he or they come back?

Six years ago today police were called to a crime scene. This scene was so horrific it changed their lives and the way they view their work.

Six years ago today Detective Sackman was one of those officers called to a home on Swan Drive on the Southwest side of Springfield, MO.  What he encountered definitely changed his life forever.

He was eventually assigned to the case and became the lead detective. He was relentless in pursuing justice for the elderly couple he had never met in person but whom he connected with in a very unique way.

In the years to come he would visit their graves at least weekly. He often brought flowers especially on anniversary dates. He spent hours day and night following even the slightest lead. No detail was left uncovered.  He visited many possible witnesses and suspects, often in the middle of the night.

He put himself into shoes he never would have cared to fill in this life. He tried to think in a way so foreign to him in order to solve the crime and recieve justice for my parents.  This went on for years!

I often tried to encourage him to let it go. Several times I told him to spend more time with his young family instead of spending nights on the streets hoping to hear something...anything...that would lead him to thier killer(s). God knew who had done this. He would take care of them. But Jamin would not quit. He would not let up the least little bit.

He spent nearly five full years pursuing their killer. He was determined.  If it were not for his faith in God he might have given up.

Isaish 50:7 (New Living Translation) Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do His will. And I know that I will not be put to shame.

Early this morning I received an e-mail from now Investigator Sackman letting me know he was thinking of me today and bestowing God's blessings on me.  May God richly bless you, Jamin!  My family and I appreciate you as well as all the other detective's who worked relentlessly with you!

Philippians 1:3-4 (The Passion Translation) My prayers for you are full of praise to God as I give Him thanks for you with great joy! I'm so grateful for our union together in Christ!

Please join me in praying for Jose that He will come to know God's saving grace!

Sentencing Hearing

Just 4 days after the 5th anniversary of  Mom & Dad's deaths we finally have come to the end of the road. At least for now. As we saw today, the possibility of new trials will most likely continue to loom over us. And then there's the thought that someone else was involved with Jose. If detectives are able to charge this other person, that would mean a whole other trial.

Right now, I choose not to dwell on those possibilities.

When we arrived at the courthouse today, prosecutors told us that the defense would be introducing 2 motions. One for an acquittal and one for a new trial. They said there had been a ruling in another case before the Missouri Supreme Court that occurred after this trial and the defense felt it would support their case for either an acquittal or new trial. This made me very nervous. I was not expecting that to happen!

We had to listen to arguments we had heard twice before in different hearings. Then the defense brought up the Missouri Supreme Court ruling that he said supported their position. Of course, the prosecutor brought out facts of that case the defense had omitted. In the end, the judge ruled against them. Big relief!

Then came time for considering the sentencing. My Uncle Jay Willingham, Dad's younger brother, spoke first. He talked about the impact Mom and Dad had on the lives of all their siblings and also on every community they ever lived in. Everywhere they went, they allowed the light of the Lord to shine through. Uncle Jay was visibility shaken. I know how much he looked up to both Mom and Dad. Then my cousin Cindy talked about the day they died and how it had impacted her life. Then it was my turn.

My brothers had decided I should speak on their behalf as well as our children and my grandchildren (yes, I'm the youngest but the only one with grandchildren yet). I talked about the impact that Mom and Dad had on all of us. My brother ,Stephen, had lost his best friend, our Dad. They would talk for hours nearly every single week. The long conversations we all had with Mom and Dad. Many deep spiritual conversation. We could always go to them for advice. And not just us but our children, too.

Even though most of their grandchildren were in their 20's at the time of their deaths, they were very close to them. I know my kids had many long conversations with them regarding Scripture, and other spiritual matters. They had deep relationships with their grandchildren!

Only one of their great-grandchildren had been born before their deaths. Three more have come along since then. They will never have the benefit of having those talks with Mom and Dad. They will have to rely on our telling of memories in order to know them.

After talking about all this I said that even though this was supposed to be a victim impact statement, I needed to stress to the court that our parents were not victims. Just as Jesus lived in victory even when He was nailed to the cross, Mom and Dad lived in victory because they served Jesus. God was in complete control of their lives. Jose would not have been able to touch either of them if God had not allowed it. His angels were itching to get into the fight but God held them back that morning. We do not know why God allowed it but we do know that He has a plan and we trust that plan. He will use this horrific evil act for good.

I also stated that God has a plan for Jose's life, too. It is our hope and prayer that Jose will respond to God's call and follow Him no matter what happens to him or where he ends up. I told the judge that we know he will be fair and just in giving his sentence and we will respect whatever that sentence is. No amount of time served will bring Mom and Dad back.

At this point, both sides stated their thoughts about what the sentence should be. After just a few minutes the judge gave his decision: 1st degree felony murder, count 1 - Life; 1st degree felony murder, count 2 - Life to be run consecutively to the first sentence. Felony burglary - 15 years to be run congruently with the first Life sentence. Then the judge added that the 1st Life sentence would run consecutively to the burglary sentence he is currently serving. I forgot to ask the prosecutor how much longer he has to serve on that sentence but it does mean that the time he has been serving while awaiting trial will not count toward this sentence.

I felt so many emotions at that point! Relief was the biggest. When I heard the word, "consecutive" on the second Life sentence, I was elated. We really didn't expect that. If the courts continue to treat the parole possibilities the same as they do today, it will be 51 years before Jose will be eligible for parole.

I do pray that Jose will choose to turn his life over to the Lord. I hope he has an awesome prison ministry! I sincerely meant it when I said that God has a plan and a call on his life. He has a plan for each one of us if we will just choose to answer His call.

Ephesians 2:10 (Good News Translation)

God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus He has created us for a life of good deeds, which He has already prepared for us to do.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)

For I know the plans I have for you, "says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

5 Years

Five years ago this morning Mom and Dad were murdered in their home. In many ways it seems like just yesterday but in other ways it seems like it has been an eternity! On April 24th, 2011 Mom and Dad were at my house and I grilled lamb chops for Easter dinner. Amazingly, neither of them had ever had lamb chops! Mom asked where did I buy it? How did I prepare it? Later when we were going through Mom and Dad's things, I found a little notebook Mom had in her purse. In it she had written, "Sam's Club...lamb chops...Canadian seasoning". I knew Mom had to have written this on their drive home and she had intended to prepare lamb chops. 

I imagined their conversation as they were driving. How excited they must have been as they discussed the birth of their second great grandchild. We had just been given the news that my daughter and her husband were expecting a boy! I am certain they were excited for Sarah and Troy! Did they talk about the home Bible study they were starting with neighbors? Or perhaps they talked about going to Florida the following winter with Aunt Sis and Uncle Virgil. Oh the plans I know they had! All those plans came to a screeching halt early the next morning. 

I went to the jail last night. One of the young women who has been in my Bible study for nearly a year now just received word that the "deal" being offered her by the District Attorney in order to avoid a trial is 18 years in prison. She's in her late 20's. 18 years seems like a lifetime. Her world came crashing down one night that was not supposed to end the way it did. Her plans were drastically changed that night. Now she sits in jail crying, wondering, what now? My heart breaks for her as I know the guilt she carries. She longs for a "do-over". She would give anything if she could change the events of that night.

Jose Huckleberry, the young man convicted in my parents murder sits in jail now, too. Another night that ended badly. His sentencing hearing is scheduled for this coming Friday. Another young person in his late 20's. A life gone drastically wrong. Is he crying? Is he remorseful for what happened? I wonder. Does he even realize it was 5 years ago today? Would he do things differently if he had another chance?

How quickly our world can change. If nothing else, I have learned how unpredictable life is. I have heard it all my life, but now I truly know that we are not promised tomorrow. If you have loved ones still alive, call them today and let them know you love them and tell them that God loves them, too. I am blessed to know that Mom and Dad are with Jesus in paradise. It does ease the pain although I still wish I could pick up the phone and talk to them.

Several weeks ago I bought lamb chops at Sam's Club and put them in the freezer. Yesterday afternoon, I grilled them just as I had done 5 years ago. I planned it.

Jeremiah 29:11 (Good News Translation)

I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for.

Verdict - Guilty!

I have longed for this day for 5 years! Ever since Jose was arrested in 2013, I have been following his case not only through Cinnamon Shirk our Victim Witness Advocate but also through an automated system called MOVANS. By signing up for this I receive notices whenever anything is happening in the case against Jose Huckleberry. Just a few minutes ago I received this notice from them:

1/29/2016

This e-mail is to inform you that a motion has been filed about the defendant JOSE HUCKLEBERRY and court case number 1331CR00576. The case status is now: Closed

Woo hoo! Finally! The final arguments took place this morning. The prosecuting attorneys did an excellent job! I could feel the passion arise in them as they spoke. This case was personal to them after living it for 5 years! The judge put the case into the hands of the jury around 10:30. After just over 5 nerve wracking hours of deliberations, the jury came back with a verdict. Before the jurors were brought into the courtroom, the judge told us not to show any emotion when the verdict was read. Really? I didn't know if I could do that!

The jurors filed in and the foreman stated they had reached a verdict and handed the file over to the bailiff to give to the judge. The judge then read through the verdict without showing any reaction. He then read the verdict.

In the murder of Donald Willingham in the second degree, guilty. In the murder of Helen Willingham in the second degree, guilty. In the burglary, guilty.

I know I haven't stated those exactly in the correct legal terminology but I didn't get the full description written down. The bottom line is that they declared him guilty on all counts. What a relief! We all did pretty good in holding ourselves together but when the jury had been dismissed and the judge had settled things out with the attorneys about setting a date for the sentencing hearing, I looked at my brother and said, "Ok, can we show emotion now?" I looked over at my sweet niece, Anna Johnsen and although she wasn't making a sound, the tears were flowing down her cheeks! How can you hold back 5 years of emotions?

As the verdicts were read, one of the jurors began sobbing. I can't imagine what this week has been like for them! They had to see horrible pictures, including the autopsy photos. They had to hear over 7 hours of confession as this messed up young man described stabbing 2 elderly people in cold blood in a very brutal fashion. I am grateful to these individuals who gave up a week of their lives, focused on hours and hours of testimony, and came back with a just verdict! I wish I could talk to each one of them and say thank you! 

I have tons of notes from the trial this week and I need to get my head wrapped around it all before I can begin to convey it to you but I will do my best to get it done in a timely manner! Right now, I feel so relieved, emotionally spent, and physically exhausted! Thank you to all of you who have supported our family with your prayers! God has sustained us and brought justice to our family as well as to Mom and Dad.

Job 8:3 (Good News Translation)

God never twists justice;
  He never fails to do what is right.

Thank you, Lord that You never leave us or forsake us!

Trial - Day 4

Today's testimony was intense. I am totally drained - physically and emotionally.  We listened to the rest of Jose's videotaped confession. He was so strung out on drugs that his memory of that fateful morning is very foggy to say the least. The way he repeatedly described the stabbings was very difficult to listen to. 

Jose apparently went to their house in hopes of getting jewelry or a TV - something he could pawn easily for cash. If only he had known that Mom had very little jewelry and they only had 1 older TV in the house perhaps he would have gone to a different house. He also said something about Dad's truck that was sitting in the driveway but for whatever reason, Jose didn't think they were home. 

At first Jose said he and "the dude" were "hand fighting". But he was pretty strong for an "old dude". It turned out that they weren't just "hand fighting", as he called it, because Jose had a knife. A very large, long knife. He said he kept stabbing Dad because he didn't want him to suffer. He was obviously wounded so Jose said he wanted to put him out of his misery. He said that Dad just wouldn't stop. Jose just wanted him to stop moving so he had to keep stabbing him. The blow that caused Dad to finally stop moving punctured Dad's lung. He could have died from many of the different deep wounds but that was the one that did it. 

You could tell Jose was very upset about Mom's death. At first Jose said he was the only one in the house but another time he said someone named Steven actually killed Mom (although he couldn't remember Steven's last name). Jose said he can't get the image of Mom's face out of his head and that she didn't have to die. When Mom fell to the kitchen floor after she had been stabbed her so forcefully it penetrated her sternum and sliced her aorta open, her arms were outstretched. Her feet were perfectly together. Her body formed the shape of a cross. Her beautiful face and lifeless eyes staring up at him from the cold kitchen floor.

After that Jose just wanted to get out of there. He had to jump over all the blood to get out the door (Dad's body was found in the entryway in a very large pool of blood) because he didn't want to "track" and he took off running. He said he "woke up" and he was running. He noticed he was covered in blood so he stopped and washed himself off in a mud puddle. At that point he was coming off the drugs and he really wasn't sure what had happened - a very bad dream.

Mind you, the interrogation lasted for hours and they kept going over and over these descriptions as the detective was trying to get Jose to remember - looking for a new clue - something that would let him know if he acted alone or if others were involved. Grueling! 

Toward the end of this interview (which was over 7 hours long!) he was given the opportunity to write a letter stating what had happened and apologizing to us. It was actually a very moving letter! Of course, it would have meant a lot more if he had pleaded guilty and not put us through all this! I know he is a scared young man.

I will have to process this for a while before I can write too much more about it. I am grateful for so many people who are praying for our family during this time. It is the only thing that has gotten me through thus far. God has truly given me a supernatural peace!

I have mentioned before how I have watched Jose intensely and looked for opportunities to catch his eye. When they were getting ready to break for lunch I was watching Jose as the bailiff led him out of the courtroom. Jose turned and looked right at me. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. I felt that was a breakthrough. 

The state and the defense both rested their cases at the end of the day. In the morning both sides will give their closing arguments and it will be handed over to the jury. With the detailed videotaped confession, and very little offered in the way of defense, I really expect the jury to declare him guilty but you never know until the verdict comes back. Pray for wisdom and discernment for the jury!

Either way, whether they declare him guilty or innocent I want to contact him. He is currently serving a prison sentence for another crime he committed after this so he will remain incarcerated regardless of the verdict making it possible for me to write to him. I need to give that serious consideration.

I see Jose as a broken young man. He grew up in the foster home system, suffered a lot of abuse as a child, and got into drugs at a young age. He fell into a lifestyle of robbing for money to buy drugs. Such a waste of his life so far! But Jesus loves him. Jesus loves to take broken, hurting people and turn them into new creatures!

2 Corinthians 5:17 (Good News Translation)

Anyone who is joined to Christ is a new being; the old is gone, the new has come.

Trial - Day 3

The trial began with another DNA expert today. It was very hard to listen to because I just did not understand a lot of it. If it were not my parents they were talking about, it would have been pretty boring to me. It certainly has no resemblance to TV shows! It is very difficult to find and identify a person through DNA in a scene like this because of the large amount of blood that covered both of their bodies as well as their home. That took up the entire morning. 

After lunch, the lead detective was called to the stand. He testified about the interrogation process that lead to Jose's confession. Then they began playing the video of the interrogation. We saw about 3 hours of that today. We'll watch the rest of it in the morning and then the defense will present their case.

It was well over 2 hours into the interview before he began to remember the event. He had taken so many drugs and had so much to drink that his memory is sketchy to say the least. Before he got to that night the detective said let's retrace what was happening in the days before the murder. On Good Friday Jose had been baptized and that stuck out in his mind so that seemed to be a good place to begin jogging his memory.

When the detective asked about his baptism, he seemed excited about it. He said that when the pastor raised him up out of the water he felt like he was on fire - as though he were burning. He went on to say that he was so hot he had to change his clothes. Of course, that didn't really make any sense. If he was hot, why would changing out of wet clothes cool him off? My first thought was the demons within him were reacting to the baptismal waters. Maybe I have just watched too many movies in my younger days but I really do wonder about it.

It struck me that during the interrogation process the lead detective prayed with Jose with Jose's permission and Jose prayed as well. It will be interesting to see what is said in the rest of the confession. The one thing that was most fascinating to me about the video we have seen so far, was the fact that seeing Mom's picture seemed to bother Jose more than anything else.

Please keep praying for our family, for Jose, and for justice to prevail. Your prayers are getting us through this and we appreciate it very much!

James 5:16b (Good News Translation)

The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect.