13

My husband, Chris Fedor, was born on Friday, July 13, 1954.  He always maintained that 13 was his lucky number.  If the 13th fell on a Friday, he knew that would be a good day for him.

His death occurred 13 years ago today on March 13th, 2006.  It was a Monday. I have often had the thought that it was not a lucky day for him but now that I have had 13 years to think about it, I realize it was a good day for him.  It was the day he was finally free from his pain.

His childhood had been extremely traumatic.  I had no idea how bad it was until after we had been married for over 20 years when he finally told me some of the things that had happened to him as a little boy.  I was in shock.  I had no idea how bad it had been.

Most people who knew Chris thought he was mean and tough.  That was his exterior.  It was his protection.  Inside was a little boy who was hurting.  His death was ruled a suicide because he had written many suicide notes over the years.  I think when he took all those pills that night, he just wanted to be free from the pain he felt.  Trust me I am not condoning suicide.  It IS NOT the answer!  If you have experienced trauma and don't know where to turn, GET HELP! Know that you are NOT ALONE!

I urge you, if you are feeling suicidal, reach out! The National Suicide Hotline -  Call 1-800-273-8255

Lately, I have felt the presence of Chris in ways I have not felt it before.  I especially feel it when I'm praying for Danielle Loftus. (If you don't know about Danielle, please visit www.prayforDanielle.com and add her to your prayer list!)  She, too, was born on the 13th.  Is there a bond between them because of that?  Is it because she suffered traumatically as a young girl?  Her trauma was a physical brain injury.  Chris suffered an emotional brain injury.  His trauma was not evident to the world as Danielle's is.  He could still walk, talk, and function.  But he was broken nonetheless. He was a very meticulous and gifted mechanic.  There was nothing that he could not fix except himself.

I do not wish to share his trauma as it is very personal.  I don't think he would want people to know the specifics and, obviously, I can't ask for his permission.  Just know that when you encounter someone you feel is harsh or mean, you need to say a prayer for them.  You have no idea what they may be carrying around inside.

No matter what you've been through, there are others who have survived and even thrived after having suffered in a similar way!  God has a plan and a purpose for your life.  He will use your trauma to help others!

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (The Passion Translation)

All praises belong to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  For he is the Father of tender mercy and the God of endless comfort.  He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial.  We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us.

In my ministry at the jail, I see many who have suffered as children at the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect them.  It has such a negative affect on their lives but when they turn those troubles over to God, He will take them and turn them into a positive!

Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

Let God take the evil that others used to harm you and turn it around for good!

Provision

This blog has been very hard for me to write.  It's embarrassing and humiliating.  But my son has encouraged me to write it because it certainly is a wonderful testimony of God's faithfulness! 

The past 11 months have been the hardest months I have ever endured in my life.  The loss has been immense.  My grief has surpassed anything I could ever have imagined.  In the midst of all I've been going through, I have struggled with work.  This is not a good thing when you're self-employed.  The expenses keep coming whether I'm producing or not.  The long, cold winter did not help in real estate at all either.  I have struggled financially the past few months.  I am behind on my mortgage and the pressure I feel is real.

Last week, I had a payment that I had forgotten about hit my checking account.  That payment put me at -$9.63 in my checking account.  I had $1 in cash.  That's pretty sad.  I was not sure what to do.  I knew I could call quite a few people and ask for $10 to put into my account to avoid overdraft charges but what did God want me to do? I started praying.

God clearly told me to call a young woman I had gotten to know through my Bible study at the jail.  I'm so proud of her.  She's been clean and sober for just over 7 months now.  She's really working hard to keep her life on track.  I said, "Lord, I can't ask her.  She's working so hard to get fines paid, get her license back, etc."  God answered with, "Ask her for the $10 but she will give you $50."  I argued with the Lord again.  I just couldn't stand the thought that she would give me $50!  But God said, "If you don't ask her you will rob her of a blessing."

I called her up and explained what had happened.  Without any delay, she said, "I'll just give you $50. You have done so much for me over the years.  It's the least I can do!"  I told her what God had told me.  As we both cried, I said, "Do you realize you did not hesitate one iota?  You are hearing so clearly and quickly from God! I'm so proud of you! I know God will bless you for helping me!"

A couple of hours later, I had a call from a young man from Sri Lanka that I have helped some over the years as well.  We have adopted each other.  He calls me Mama.  He was calling to tell me he was giving me $100. God had spoken to him about helping me.  Whew, now I had a bit of cushion in my account.

Late that afternoon, I was driving to look at some homes, singing and praising the Lord as I drove when one of my sensor lights came on.  Noooo....this can't be!  I immediately began praying for my van, for guidance and wisdom.  I called my auto repair place - Ruggless Auto here in Springfield.  They are such a blessing to me.  From what I told Marcy, she thought it was my alternator.  I knew if it was, it would not be cheap.  We made plans for me to drop the van off the next morning.

All night I prayed that it was just a fluke and would turn out to be nothing.  I dropped off the van and they gave me a ride to my Bible Study Fellowship leader's meeting.  While there, Marcy texted me and said it was the alternator. Since I also needed an oil change, it would be close to $500. 

My bubble was burst.  Now what?  I got a ride from one of the ladies to pick up the van.  Of course, Ruggless is so good to me that they let me drive off without paying.  They trusted me to pay when I could.  Having just learned the lesson about praising no matter what (see my last blog post entitled "Worship"), I cranked up some praise music and began thanking and praising God for Ruggless.  Who will fix your car and let you just drive away without giving them a dime?  I knew that somehow, someway, God would provide.  

The next day was Bible Study Fellowship class day.  After class, one of the other leaders came up to me and gave me a beautiful envelope.  She said last weekend God had told her she needed to give me some money.  She apologized that she did not bring it to leader's meeting the day before. She said she did not want me to use her name if I told anyone about this and she never wanted us to talk about it again.  She said the amount God told her to give me was $500.  Really?  $500? And God told her that the weekend before?  Only God!

I drove over to Ruggless, showed Marcy the envelope and pulled out the cash.  Marcy's jaw dropped.  I told her what had happened.  "Who does that?" she said.  I answered, "That's my God!"

Isaiah 65:24 (The Passion Translation)

"Before they even call out to me, I will answer them, before they've finished telling me what they need, I'll have already heard."

Isn't that just like God?  Before I had prayed, God already had His answer on the way.  I wonder if things would have gone differently if I had not had an attitude of praise.  Thankfully, I did not have to find that out!  Thank you, Lord, for teaching me and then reminding me of what you have taught me!

John 14:26 (The Passion Translation)

"But when the Father sends the Spirit of Holiness, the One like me who sets you free, he will teach you all things in my name. And he will inspire you to remember every word that I've told you."

Thank you, Father, that you provide all I need, both material and spiritual!  You are a good, good Father!  I desire to be in Your perfect will for me!

Psalms 37:4 (The Passion Translation)

Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life, and he will provide for you what you desire the most.

Worship With All Your Might

I have been in a very rough season.  The past 9 months have been some of the most difficult of my life.  I have been in deep despair and depression over circumstances completely out of my control.  In the midst of this God has been teaching me about praise and worship.

I have thought a lot about Paul and Silas in Acts 16.  They had delivered a slave girl from a demon spirit and her owners were hopping mad.  They seized Paul and Silas and drug them off to face the authorities.  The Roman officials ordered Paul and Silas to be stripped and beaten with rods on their bare backs.  After they had been severely beaten, they were thrown into prison and their hands and feet were bound with chains.

If that had been me, I would definitely be wallowing in self pity!  I would be crying out to God saying, "Hey, I was working for You and this happened to me!  What gives?  Why did you abandon me?"  Thankfully, it wasn't me in that situation.  What did Paul and Silas do?  Let's pick it up in Scripture.

Acts 16:25 (The Passion Translation)

Paul and Silas, undaunted, prayed in the middle of the night and sang songs of praise to God, while all the other prisoners listened to their worship.

Remember, they had been beaten with rods on their bare backs.  They didn't get to phone a friend. No one attended to their wounds. They were in the innermost part of the prison.  Most likely in pitch black darkness.  Chains on their wrists and ankles.  UNDAUNTED, they prayed and worshiped the Lord!  In the most dire of circumstances, they praised God.  They didn't complain or hold a pity party.  They praised.

As I have cried out to the Lord in the past months, I have heard repeatedly from Him, "Just praise Me."  It has not been easy, but when I have followed in obedience, it has blessed me!

This past week, the Bible Study Fellowship lesson has been on chapters 5 and 6 of 2 Samuel. It's a passage I've read many times before and heard many sermons on but this week one little part really stood out to me.  In chapter 5, David had attempted to move the Ark of the Lord but it did not go well.  In chapter 6, he tried again but this time, he did it all according to Scripture and with much praise and worship.

2 Samuel 6:14a (New Living Translation)

And David danced before the LORD with all his might...

David danced with all his might! There was a choir, rams' horns blowing, shouts of joy, and dancing.  It was a wonderful celebration! There was just one problem.

David's wife, Michal, was disgusted with her husband, King David.  She did not join in the celebration and as she watched from her window she couldn't believe that a king would lower himself like a common person dancing in the streets.

The Scripture tells us that after David blessed the people and sent them home with gifts, he went home to bless his family but Michal went out to meet him raving at him for what he had done. David replied that he was celebrating before the LORD who had appointed him to be king.  He gave God all the credit for his position and he went on to say that he would be willing to look even more foolish, even to be humiliated in his own eyes as he worshiped. David had learned to rely on God.  The LORD was everything to him.

Michal never knew David was coming to bless her even though she did not join him in worshiping.  Because she was so worried about what people would think, she did not worship and worse, she missed being blessed by her husband.

I pray that the Lord would give me a heart like David. Oh Lord, help me to worship You with abandon with no thoughts as to what others might think of me!  No matter my circumstances, may I always worship You, for You alone are worthy of all my praise!

Psalm 89:15 (The Passion Translation)

O LORD, how blessed are the people who experience the shout of worship, for they walk in the radiance of Your presence.

And what happened to Paul and Silas?

Acts 16:20 (The Passion Translation)

Suddenly, a great earthquake shook the foundations of the prison.  All at once every prison door flung open and the chains of all the prisoners came loose.

Not only were Paul and Silas blessed, but all the prisoners were freed as well!

Do you need a blessing?  Then worship.  Worship with all your might!

Seed

The Lord blessed me to go to Colorado this summer to visit my son, Michael.  While I was there we went to Estes Park and took a tram to 8700 feet up.  As Mike and I took in the beautiful panoramic views from this elevation, I turned and noticed this tree growing up through a huge boulder.  I can't get it out of my mind. 

Imagine the seed stuck in the handful of dirt in the crevice of these boulders and then miraculously growth began.  As it emerges - just a little seedling, mind you - it put the tiniest bit of pressure on the boulder.  Amazingly, a hairline crack slowly began to appear.  Over time the seedling grew and the gentle but unceasing pressure began to cause the boulder to crack just a little bit more until this huge rock finally caved in to the pressure of the tender, young tree and it split. 

Wow!  It split!  This huge rock just split!  It not only split in one direction but it split in several directions!  That was one powerful seed!  How can this be? It is the God-given miraculous power of a seed.

Jesus said if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we can do great things.  It is true. Peter proved that when he walked on water.

Matthew 14:29-31 The Passion Translation

"Come and join me," Jesus replied.

So Peter stepped out onto the water and began to walk toward Jesus.  But when he realized how high the waves were, he became frightened and started to sink.  "Save me, Lord!" he cried out.

Jesus immediately stretched out his hand and lifted him up and said, "What little faith you have! Why would you let doubt win?"

Wow! With only a little faith Peter walked on water!  What if we plant seeds?  Just think of all the great things that will come as those seeds grow and mature! 

Today is Dad's birthday.  I think of all the seeds he planted over his lifetime.  Those seeds are cracking things up for the Kingdom! 

What about you?  Do you think that you cannot have an impact for the Kingdom of God on this earth?  Have you ever shared a Scripture? Helped out at a Vacation Bible School or backyard Bible club? Taught a Sunday School class?  Have you ever encouraged someone who was down? Then you have planted seeds! 


Matthew 13:31-32 The Passion Translation

Heaven's kingdom realm can be compared to the tiny mustard seed that a man takes and plants in his field. Although the smallest of all the seeds, it eventually grows into the greatest of garden plants, becoming a tree for birds to come and build their nests in its branches.  ~Jesus

The enemy likes to plant hesitancy and disbelief in our minds. Do not let doubt win!  Go plant some seeds and see what God will do!

Nina

I had the great honor and pleasure to sit and talk with an extraordinary young woman named Nina (pronounced with a long "i" - nine-na).  Nina had used precious vacation time to attend every single day of Mom and Dad's trial.  At least one of her parents attended all of the hearings leading up to the trial and Nina had attended hearings when she could.

I spoke with her briefly during the trial but did not have an opportunity for a longer conversation.  You see, she had been married to Jose, the man convicted of killing Mom and Dad.  She had two precious children with him.  And she was deathly afraid of him.  He had become abusive toward her even while she was still pregnant.  But it was not until he threatened the life of their young son that she knew she had to leave him.  She said she could take the beatings he had for her but she could never stand for him to be abusive to their children.

I had felt for many months that I needed to sit and talk to her face to face.  I knew God was placing this on my heart.  I thought it was because I needed to know more about Jose.  The only problem was she lived in Springfield, MO and I was in Springfield, IL.  A long five hour drive separated us.  I could not seem to find time to make the trip and so finally decided to just set time aside and come.

I contacted Nina and she was very open to meeting with me.  She said, "Name the time and the place and I will be there." Wow!  She is a single mom of two children who works nights.  Her response was amazing to me!  We decided to meet at a Starbucks and although I arrived a few minutes early, she was already there.

She was very open and honest with me.  She did not balk at any of my questions.  As we talked I realized I did not need to know more about Jose.  I needed to know more about Nina.  Although I did learn a lot of things about Jose that I had wondered about, I learned much more about Nina and what an extraordinary young woman and mother she was.

Even though she never had the pleasure of meeting Mom and Dad, she was forever affected by their deaths.  Through tears, she told me she somehow felt responsible for their deaths.  If only she had been able to help Jose...  If only...  I have had a lot of "if only" thoughts, too.  I had to share a bit of my story with Nina and I hope it helps her to know that we are only responsible for ourselves.  It was not Nina's job to help Jose.  She could not fix him.  She did what she had to do to protect her children.  That was enough.

Nina was contacted by reporters throughout the whole ordeal after Jose was arrested for Mom and Dad's murders.  She refused to speak with them saying it was not her story to tell, it was our story.  But our stories intersect.  Yes, her story is different from mine but it touches mine.  She does have a story to tell.

I know she is struggling with life and facing many problems as a single mother doing her best to provide for their needs.  She is diving head long into all her issues and handling them in the best way she can.  She deeply loves her children and will do anything for them.  I encourage her to tell her story because her story will help someone else just as my story helps others. 

And the same is true of your story!

This, after all, is what Paul was talking about in his second letter to the Corinthians.

2 Corinthians 1:4 (The Passion Translation)

He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial.  We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us.

We can all know that our suffering has a purpose!  Does that not thrill your soul?  We all have suffering but what will you do with yours?  Will you try to hide it?  Will you wallow in self-pity?  Or will you give it to God and allow him to use it for His glory?  To help someone else who is suffering in the same way that you have suffered? 

Will you have the courage to tell your story?

I just have to end with the Scripture that has been on my heart since my brother, Dave called to tell me Mom and Dad had been murdered seven years ago.

Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.  He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

Satan thought he had the last laugh when Mom and Dad lie dead on the floor of their own home but, no, God had an even greater purpose!!  God is using it all for good!  He is saving the lives of many people.

If you remember from earlier posts, Mom's last word to me was simply this:

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, indeed, Mom!!

Anniversary

I am in Missouri visiting my brother, Dave.  While here, I wanted to visit Mom & Dad's grave site since I will be leaving on the 24th.  April 25th is the 7th anniversary of their deaths. 

It was pouring down rain all morning - since at least 5 a.m. when I first heard it raining.  It reminded me of the week of their deaths.  It was raining so hard on April 25th, 2011 that police dogs could not get a scent.  The day of the funeral a week later it was still raining.  On Easter Sunday, April 24th, 2011, I tried to get Mom and Dad to wait until Monday to drive home but Dad wanted to get home before the predicted rains began.

After Dave, Susie and I went to church and then brunch at Mama Jeans, I went out to the cemetery to put some flowers on their graves...in the pouring rain.  First I ran into Price Cutters to get some flowers.  As I was picking out some flowers the thought struck me that Mom would have preferred that I would get flowers for her sister and best friend, my Aunt Sis rather than putting flowers at the grave site.  I made a mental note to be sure and order some flowers for Aunt Sis for Mother's Day but proceeded to purchase the flowers that I thought both Mom and Dad would like.  At the checkout the clerk said, "What pretty flowers on such a dreary day.  Is it a special occasion?"  I responded, "Yes it is," without any further explanation.

I drove to the veteran's cemetery on the south side of town as the rain continued to pelt the earth but as soon as I pulled up to section K, the rain stopped.  I got out and went to the grave, arranged the flowers and took pictures, as I do every time I take flowers there.  I cried a few tears even though I know they are in a much better place but I just miss them so much.  After a bit I made my way back to the car and pulled off.  Then it began raining again.  It rained the rest of the day.

I know God stopped the rain for me today.  It's not a big deal...I would have still done what I did had it continued to rain...but He did that for me.  That's the kind of God I serve.  One who cares about the smallest details.  That is just how He loves us.

1 John 4:16 (a) The Passion Translation

We have come into an intimate experience with God's love, and we trust in the love he has for us.  God is love!

I know I can trust Him and His love for me.  The rain stopping was a little thing but it spoke volumes to me today.  But I can only love Him because He first loved me!

1 John 4:19 English Standard Version

We love because He first loved us.  

Thank you, Lord, for loving me while I was yet a sinner!  Thank you for showing your love for me each and every day!  Help me to show Your love to others in the same way.

Another Easter

Even though it was not on the anniversary of Mom and Dad's death again this year, Easter is still a hard time for me.  Easter was the last time I saw Mom & Dad, spent time with them, worshipped with them, prayed with them, and talked to them.  It was a wonderful visit and I am so grateful I had those days with them just before they left their earthly bodies but it has left every Easter since then bittersweet for me.

Even though their deaths weigh more heavily on me during the month of April the truth is, I miss them everyday and I suppose I always will.  This year marks 7 years since their passing.  I know they are in a much better place but I am not.  I look forward to the day I will see them again.  What joy that knowledge brings to me!

Ironically, it is because of Easter that I know that day is coming.  So I strive to focus on that fact and rejoice that my Savior lives.  Yes, Jesus died a cruel death after being tortured and ridiculed.  He bore all my sins and yours, too.  He was separated from His Father for the first time ever.  He lay in the grave physically dead seemingly and defeated.  But then came Sunday...

One of my favorite "Easter" hymns growing up was Christ Arose.  I love how after talking about "low in the grave He lay..." the music builds and then comes "Up from the grave He arose, with a mighty triumph o'er His foes, He arose a Victor from the dark domain, And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.  He arose! He arose! Hallelujah! Christ arose!"

By the end the music is at a crescendo.  It always gives me goose bumps to consider Jesus' victory over death!

My ladies Bible study group just began a new study called, Goliath Must Fall by Louis Giglio.  Tonight we considered that truly satan is dead.  Jesus defeated him and we know how it ends, with satan's eternal death.  We do not need to fear him or his demons...ever!  Jesus gave us all authority over him.  It IS finished!

Romans 8:38-29 (The Passion Translation)

So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God's love.  I'm convinced that his love will triumph over death, life's troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens.  There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love.  There is no power above us or beneath us - no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God's passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One! 

Hallelujah!  Christ arose!