13

My husband, Chris Fedor, was born on Friday, July 13, 1954.  He always maintained that 13 was his lucky number.  If the 13th fell on a Friday, he knew that would be a good day for him.

His death occurred 13 years ago today on March 13th, 2006.  It was a Monday. I have often had the thought that it was not a lucky day for him but now that I have had 13 years to think about it, I realize it was a good day for him.  It was the day he was finally free from his pain.

His childhood had been extremely traumatic.  I had no idea how bad it was until after we had been married for over 20 years when he finally told me some of the things that had happened to him as a little boy.  I was in shock.  I had no idea how bad it had been.

Most people who knew Chris thought he was mean and tough.  That was his exterior.  It was his protection.  Inside was a little boy who was hurting.  His death was ruled a suicide because he had written many suicide notes over the years.  I think when he took all those pills that night, he just wanted to be free from the pain he felt.  Trust me I am not condoning suicide.  It IS NOT the answer!  If you have experienced trauma and don't know where to turn, GET HELP! Know that you are NOT ALONE!

I urge you, if you are feeling suicidal, reach out! The National Suicide Hotline -  Call 1-800-273-8255

Lately, I have felt the presence of Chris in ways I have not felt it before.  I especially feel it when I'm praying for Danielle Loftus. (If you don't know about Danielle, please visit www.prayforDanielle.com and add her to your prayer list!)  She, too, was born on the 13th.  Is there a bond between them because of that?  Is it because she suffered traumatically as a young girl?  Her trauma was a physical brain injury.  Chris suffered an emotional brain injury.  His trauma was not evident to the world as Danielle's is.  He could still walk, talk, and function.  But he was broken nonetheless. He was a very meticulous and gifted mechanic.  There was nothing that he could not fix except himself.

I do not wish to share his trauma as it is very personal.  I don't think he would want people to know the specifics and, obviously, I can't ask for his permission.  Just know that when you encounter someone you feel is harsh or mean, you need to say a prayer for them.  You have no idea what they may be carrying around inside.

No matter what you've been through, there are others who have survived and even thrived after having suffered in a similar way!  God has a plan and a purpose for your life.  He will use your trauma to help others!

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (The Passion Translation)

All praises belong to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  For he is the Father of tender mercy and the God of endless comfort.  He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial.  We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us.

In my ministry at the jail, I see many who have suffered as children at the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect them.  It has such a negative affect on their lives but when they turn those troubles over to God, He will take them and turn them into a positive!

Genesis 50:20 (New Living Translation)

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

Let God take the evil that others used to harm you and turn it around for good!

Provision

This blog has been very hard for me to write.  It's embarrassing and humiliating.  But my son has encouraged me to write it because it certainly is a wonderful testimony of God's faithfulness! 

The past 11 months have been the hardest months I have ever endured in my life.  The loss has been immense.  My grief has surpassed anything I could ever have imagined.  In the midst of all I've been going through, I have struggled with work.  This is not a good thing when you're self-employed.  The expenses keep coming whether I'm producing or not.  The long, cold winter did not help in real estate at all either.  I have struggled financially the past few months.  I am behind on my mortgage and the pressure I feel is real.

Last week, I had a payment that I had forgotten about hit my checking account.  That payment put me at -$9.63 in my checking account.  I had $1 in cash.  That's pretty sad.  I was not sure what to do.  I knew I could call quite a few people and ask for $10 to put into my account to avoid overdraft charges but what did God want me to do? I started praying.

God clearly told me to call a young woman I had gotten to know through my Bible study at the jail.  I'm so proud of her.  She's been clean and sober for just over 7 months now.  She's really working hard to keep her life on track.  I said, "Lord, I can't ask her.  She's working so hard to get fines paid, get her license back, etc."  God answered with, "Ask her for the $10 but she will give you $50."  I argued with the Lord again.  I just couldn't stand the thought that she would give me $50!  But God said, "If you don't ask her you will rob her of a blessing."

I called her up and explained what had happened.  Without any delay, she said, "I'll just give you $50. You have done so much for me over the years.  It's the least I can do!"  I told her what God had told me.  As we both cried, I said, "Do you realize you did not hesitate one iota?  You are hearing so clearly and quickly from God! I'm so proud of you! I know God will bless you for helping me!"

A couple of hours later, I had a call from a young man from Sri Lanka that I have helped some over the years as well.  We have adopted each other.  He calls me Mama.  He was calling to tell me he was giving me $100. God had spoken to him about helping me.  Whew, now I had a bit of cushion in my account.

Late that afternoon, I was driving to look at some homes, singing and praising the Lord as I drove when one of my sensor lights came on.  Noooo....this can't be!  I immediately began praying for my van, for guidance and wisdom.  I called my auto repair place - Ruggless Auto here in Springfield.  They are such a blessing to me.  From what I told Marcy, she thought it was my alternator.  I knew if it was, it would not be cheap.  We made plans for me to drop the van off the next morning.

All night I prayed that it was just a fluke and would turn out to be nothing.  I dropped off the van and they gave me a ride to my Bible Study Fellowship leader's meeting.  While there, Marcy texted me and said it was the alternator. Since I also needed an oil change, it would be close to $500. 

My bubble was burst.  Now what?  I got a ride from one of the ladies to pick up the van.  Of course, Ruggless is so good to me that they let me drive off without paying.  They trusted me to pay when I could.  Having just learned the lesson about praising no matter what (see my last blog post entitled "Worship"), I cranked up some praise music and began thanking and praising God for Ruggless.  Who will fix your car and let you just drive away without giving them a dime?  I knew that somehow, someway, God would provide.  

The next day was Bible Study Fellowship class day.  After class, one of the other leaders came up to me and gave me a beautiful envelope.  She said last weekend God had told her she needed to give me some money.  She apologized that she did not bring it to leader's meeting the day before. She said she did not want me to use her name if I told anyone about this and she never wanted us to talk about it again.  She said the amount God told her to give me was $500.  Really?  $500? And God told her that the weekend before?  Only God!

I drove over to Ruggless, showed Marcy the envelope and pulled out the cash.  Marcy's jaw dropped.  I told her what had happened.  "Who does that?" she said.  I answered, "That's my God!"

Isaiah 65:24 (The Passion Translation)

"Before they even call out to me, I will answer them, before they've finished telling me what they need, I'll have already heard."

Isn't that just like God?  Before I had prayed, God already had His answer on the way.  I wonder if things would have gone differently if I had not had an attitude of praise.  Thankfully, I did not have to find that out!  Thank you, Lord, for teaching me and then reminding me of what you have taught me!

John 14:26 (The Passion Translation)

"But when the Father sends the Spirit of Holiness, the One like me who sets you free, he will teach you all things in my name. And he will inspire you to remember every word that I've told you."

Thank you, Father, that you provide all I need, both material and spiritual!  You are a good, good Father!  I desire to be in Your perfect will for me!

Psalms 37:4 (The Passion Translation)

Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life, and he will provide for you what you desire the most.